Bored at work? (Story Thread)

...im deluding myself he cries, she's not a woman shes a bird!

Meanwhile.....

...On the dark, hazardous and windswept mountain ranges of Leyton, The Dark Lord Geoff sat on his thrown carved from the husks of malevolent coconuts, brooding over what his next step should be in The Battle Of Chad's Waistline.

Chad's waistline had grown to ever-increasing proportions and was now threatening to infringe on the very boundaries of Geoff's own evil empire. Geoff had been taken aback by Chad's propensity to consume porkpies at an alarming rate and found himself ill-prepared to combat the looming threat. His earlier plan to diffuse the situation with a near limitless supply of Space Raiders had proven useless after he had tucked into most of these himself (they're just too tasty).

One things was for sure - Chad's girth was growing and the balance of power was shifting away from Dark lord Geoff's evil clutches. This could not stand, neither could Chad by now, but this situation could not stand...

....suddenly there was an almight earthquake...chad had broken wind...the dark lord geoff's powers were weaking due to the putrid stench...

as the earth started to seperate, from the gaping hole she rose, the most beautiful creatrue chad could have imagined. "ahh" he exclaims, "i see why beckett is so entranced" as he approached her his waistline starts to rumble and morph into the shape of a rotten eggplant...

a grotesque alien creature erupted out of the eggplant shape that had morphed around chads waistline and promptly vomited all over the beautiful creature....but the beautiful creature absorbed the vomit as quick as it was spraying all over her and she blossomed like a flower in the spring...

'Hmmmm', thought the Dark Lord Geoff. 'Perhaps this beautiful bint could distract Chad sufficiently to stop him gorging himself on porkpies, thus giving me the vital time I need to regroup?'

He hurried to his underground lair to begin construction on the Master Weapon...

as the dark lord was hurrying to his lair the beautiful creature clapped eyes on him and looked into his eyes, thereby rendering him speeechless and motionless (due to a massive erection)...

‘Hang on’ thought Geoff, ‘I’m gay!’ And he scurried back to work...

Geoff’s plans had hit a snag. The pickled onions he so desperately needed for the Master Weapon had not been delivered in time. To the Dark Lord’s annoyance, Chad had administered a devilish pre-emptive strike and eaten the delivery man.

Geoff wracked his brains for a solution. The time was drawing close and he knew that his vice-like grip on the Kebab houses of East London was weakening. How had he not foreseen this? Chad’s fat arse had been breaching the Sun’s rays for sometime now.

‘Worry ye not’, Geoff told himself. ‘That jar of Piccalilli has been in the cupboard since 1974 and just might be pungent enough...’ Off he scampered to the pantry, monocle in place and villain’s cape flapping in the background like the silken skin on a day-old bowl of tomato soup...

[Macc]

Is Geoff based on me, Shaman?

[Macc]

Apart from the monocle and cape, of course.

alas alas alas and a lack ...he got to the cupboard and the cupboard was bare......unfortunately Macc couldnt control himself, smashed the jar of piccalilli against the wall and scooped out the contents of the jar and smeared it all over his pie face and torso....he then proceed to eat out his own heart.....but there was still remanents of picallili on his now rapidly decaying piestickbody....

argh macc ya cant ask questions in the middle of the story! (i was just brining you back into the picture)

[Macc]

But Geoff bears a striking resemblance to me, what with all the pickled onions gone and ancient picalilli kicking about

Shaman knows me far too well... And eaten far too many of my pickled onions

hahaha didnt you end up in hospital before from eating too many pickled onions?!!

[Macc]

hahaha didnt you end up in hospital before from eating too many pickled onions?!!

Funny how stories grow an extra leg innit. Nah, but I did make myself ill for several days after the 'Christamas pickle rush'

ok I may have exaggerated slightly!!

Enough of this foolishnes, thought the narrator - back to the story!

The Dark Lord wondered who this 'Macc' character was and why he was finding this potentially disastrous event 'amusing'.

'Some people' thought Geoff.

Ah-ha! The Pickled Onions! Geoff put on the requisite protective clothing and goggles and carefully prised open the lid. His eyes immediately began streaming as the noxious fumes flared in his nostrils, a sensation he found strangely erotic.

'Dare I eat one?' thought Geoff as he carried the Pickled Onions to his lair. That would be foolish, he decided but suddenly heard a tiny high-pitched voice. 'Eat me! Eat me!' It was the onions! They were conversing with the Dark Lord! 'Now that's not something you see everyday' thought Geoff as he took one of the vinegar-slickened A-Bombs in his trembling fingers...

Geoff suddenly realised that the voices he heard were merely hallucinatory, brought about by the pungent fumes. Alas, he pondered on this as he chomped on the first, and what was to be his last, bite of the miniature onion... A massive heart attack immediately ensued and Geoff dropped dead, but not before thinking that the taste was more akin to that of Monster Munch than Space Raiders.

Of course that was all futile now as Chad dropped the motionless corpse of the Dark Lord and dropped it into his cavernous gob.

[Macc]

Have you been at the Ajax?

meanwhile macc sat in stupor in the growing mound of smeared porkfat and steaming vomit...slowly starting to wonder how he became involved in this mess. "i must dive into the gaping, broken earth and reconnect with how this all began, i must find chad and release the eggplant from his bowel", he shouted...not realizing that what lies beneath was waiting for him, knowing all along that this was all part of her malicious plan.

It took all the willpower Macc could muster not to add an extra layer of porkfat to his already flabby, gelatinous skin and throw himself on the Barbie - but he managed to resist.

The prospect of releasing a semi-digested, putrified eggplant from some big fat bastard's bowel and having it with a side order of cheddar, red cabbage and some Bobby's Snacks proved too great to resist.

He flung himself into the gaping chasm...